I'm Too Sexy for This Blog: A Sarcastic Self-Portrait

In case you didn’t know, I’m breathtakingly beautiful and sexy.  I know most of you reading this right now are rolling your eyes thinking “Well, duh, Tiff!  Tell me something I don’t know!”  My otherworldly good looks are practically common knowledge, after all.  Don’t hate me because I’m beautiful.  I can’t help it.

I’m such an amazingly attractive human being that I’m stared and gawked at virtually everywhere I go.  I know what major Hollywood stars feel like.  It is both a blessing and a curse.  I can’t blame people for staring; my beauty is a lot to take in.  Since I’m so kind and accommodating, I’m going to take you on a journey of all my most beautiful features, analyzing each one with a fine-toothed comb.    

First of all, I have a fantastic big nose.  My nose is wide and long, with an adorable little bump in the bridge.  Not only is it extremely sexy (as most abnormally large noses are), it also provides me with super-human sniffing powers.  I can smell fragrant flowers and fresh baked bread from a mile away.  It’s a gift.  Then there’s the impeccable skin on my face, which is adorned with captivating acne scars.  I’m unique and lucky in this way.  Smooth, blemish-free skin is okay, it’s just kind of boring.  My cheeks have an awesome texture and are covered in cool designs.  If you don’t have gorgeous scars on your face for the whole world to admire, then I feel sorry for you.  Try not to envy me, though, really.  It’s not my fault I was blessed with such loveliness and allure.  Anyway, moving right along to another piece of the immaculate puzzle that makes up Tiffy…I have the most spectacular thick, dull, and frizzy locks of golden brown hair.  It’s short, sassy, and fun, with stringy little flyaways that give me that ultra-sexy “I’m gorgeous without even trying” look.  By the way, my short hair cut is quite convenient for showing off my endearing oversized ears.  Bigger really is better, folks.  I’ve decorated my glamorously prominent ears with rings, just to make them even more conspicuous.  I just can’t resist showing off a single one of my irresistible features—I’m sure you understand.  That leads me to the next piece of amazingness, my lips.  They are quirky and fabulously misshapen.  I try to smile as often as I can because my smile is crooked.  One side of my lip raises higher than the other, and it’s an extremely adorable look—no one has told me so, but they don’t have to.  I know it’s what they’re thinking.  Moving south passed my cute hairy chin lies my dazzling, not-so-swanlike neck.  Some rather fetching moles reside here (beauty marks), that really add to its grace and glamour.  People are always telling me what a truly sexy and attractive neck I have, and how they wish their neck looked like mine.  They don’t come right out and say it, but they tell me with their eyes.  Trust me, they do. 

Well, those are the very best of my above-the-shoulder features.  I know you’re all probably reading this completely enthralled and hungry for more.  I could delve into my perfect body: my wide, sexy hips, bountifully immense derriere, and my undeniably appealing cellulite and spider veins, but maybe another time.  I need to rest these beautifully cracked and dry freckled fingers.