Facing My Shadow

When I was seven years old, I dressed up as Peter Pan's shadow for Halloween.  It was one of my best costumes ever.  It consisted of a black unitard with a big gray S on it, floppy slippers, and lots of pretty silver sparkles. Now I've had my share of awesome Halloween costumes (a carton of milk, a bunch of grapes, a bag of popcorn - I like to look in the kitchen for inspiration), but Peter Pan's shadow was one of the very best.  I was thinking today about how lucky Peter Pan was that his shadow just runs away and he is left to live his carefree life with the Lost Boys in Never-Never Land.  How nice would it be to just not have to deal with your problems?  To be able to lose your shadow, to run away, to not have to look back?

I've gone through a lot of changes in my life over the past two years: moved to Alaska, changed jobs, became pregnant and miscarried, got a divorce, embarked on a new relationship, moved several times.  Big problems have accompanied these changes.  Problems that I've had to learn to deal with.  I am 27 years old; I'm a big girl now, and I have to deal with my own problems.  Unfortunately, there has never really been someone there to hold my hand and help me deal with things.  I didn't have parents I felt I could go to for help, and I closed myself off from kind people who would have given me their support out of my own bitterness and embarrassment.  So what have I always done?  I've simply not dealt with them. 

Not dealing with things kept me in an unhappy, unhealthy marriage for over eight years.  This in turn kept me from making new friends, from experiencing new things - essentially, it kept me from truly living.

Sometimes I've felt so overwhelmed with things I don't want to deal with that I've fantasized about hopping on the next one-way plane to Idaho and leaving all my troubles behind.  But it doesn't work that way.  Unlike Peter Pan, I can't just run away from my shadow.  My problems will follow me wherever I go, and it's up to me to be a big girl and resolve them on my own.
 
I have finally learned that I owe it to myself and my loved ones to take care of issues that are bothering me right away.  You know, come to think of it, Peter Pan's shadow is not such a great costume after all.