I'm Too Sexy for This Blog: A Sarcastic Self-Portrait

In case you didn’t know, I’m breathtakingly beautiful and sexy.  I know most of you reading this right now are rolling your eyes thinking “Well, duh, Tiff!  Tell me something I don’t know!”  My otherworldly good looks are practically common knowledge, after all.  Don’t hate me because I’m beautiful.  I can’t help it.

I’m such an amazingly attractive human being that I’m stared and gawked at virtually everywhere I go.  I know what major Hollywood stars feel like.  It is both a blessing and a curse.  I can’t blame people for staring; my beauty is a lot to take in.  Since I’m so kind and accommodating, I’m going to take you on a journey of all my most beautiful features, analyzing each one with a fine-toothed comb.    

First of all, I have a fantastic big nose.  My nose is wide and long, with an adorable little bump in the bridge.  Not only is it extremely sexy (as most abnormally large noses are), it also provides me with super-human sniffing powers.  I can smell fragrant flowers and fresh baked bread from a mile away.  It’s a gift.  Then there’s the impeccable skin on my face, which is adorned with captivating acne scars.  I’m unique and lucky in this way.  Smooth, blemish-free skin is okay, it’s just kind of boring.  My cheeks have an awesome texture and are covered in cool designs.  If you don’t have gorgeous scars on your face for the whole world to admire, then I feel sorry for you.  Try not to envy me, though, really.  It’s not my fault I was blessed with such loveliness and allure.  Anyway, moving right along to another piece of the immaculate puzzle that makes up Tiffy…I have the most spectacular thick, dull, and frizzy locks of golden brown hair.  It’s short, sassy, and fun, with stringy little flyaways that give me that ultra-sexy “I’m gorgeous without even trying” look.  By the way, my short hair cut is quite convenient for showing off my endearing oversized ears.  Bigger really is better, folks.  I’ve decorated my glamorously prominent ears with rings, just to make them even more conspicuous.  I just can’t resist showing off a single one of my irresistible features—I’m sure you understand.  That leads me to the next piece of amazingness, my lips.  They are quirky and fabulously misshapen.  I try to smile as often as I can because my smile is crooked.  One side of my lip raises higher than the other, and it’s an extremely adorable look—no one has told me so, but they don’t have to.  I know it’s what they’re thinking.  Moving south passed my cute hairy chin lies my dazzling, not-so-swanlike neck.  Some rather fetching moles reside here (beauty marks), that really add to its grace and glamour.  People are always telling me what a truly sexy and attractive neck I have, and how they wish their neck looked like mine.  They don’t come right out and say it, but they tell me with their eyes.  Trust me, they do. 

Well, those are the very best of my above-the-shoulder features.  I know you’re all probably reading this completely enthralled and hungry for more.  I could delve into my perfect body: my wide, sexy hips, bountifully immense derriere, and my undeniably appealing cellulite and spider veins, but maybe another time.  I need to rest these beautifully cracked and dry freckled fingers.

My Thrifty, Nifty Dad

I've been told many times in my life that I'm "just like my dad". I've always taken this as a compliment, though it was oftentimes not intended as one. Me and my dad are very different people in many ways, but we're both thrifty, silly, sarcastic, goofballs who try not to take life too seriously.

I was born in San Jose, California, and lived there with my family until we moved to Idaho when I was seven years old. This move and the sale of our California house put a lot of stress on our family, and it essentially marked the end of my parents' marriage. In Idaho, I remained living with my mother and sisters, and only saw my dad about a couple times a month for the duration of my childhood and adolescent years. He held odd jobs such as a pizza delivery man for Domino's and a laborer for a large slaughterhouse, but his longest lasting job was as a long-haul trucker. He took a lot of pride in his job, which entailed delivering everything from a trailer full of frozen burger patties to fast food restaurants, to clothes and toiletries to supermarkets. When I first got to go inside my dad's work truck, I was in awe. It had an actual bed in it, a CB radio which enabled him to talk to other truckers, and even a little TV. My nine-year-old mind was thoroughly impressed. My dad was the coolest.

I knew my dad was cool and funny, but even at a young age I recognized his flaws. One thing my father always struggled with was knowing what gifts to get us for our birthdays and Christmas. He didn't see us often enough to keep up with our ever-changing tastes, so usually his gifts left us a bit puzzled. Also, he never had much money, and the money he did have he was very careful with. That is to say he was a total cheapskate. It was either my 11th or 12th birthday that he gave me a a gift basket that was partially enclosed in torn plastic wrap. It was filled with potpourri, soaps, and bath salts. He explained that it was ripped because it had fallen off his work trailer. It was part of a load full of gift baskets that he was delivering to a chain store. He had been lucky enough to find me a birthday present for free!

Another unfortunate instance involved the Christmas gift my dad got for my older sister Meagan one year. She was in her mid-20s at the time and he got her a large stuffed animal. There is nothing wrong with adults owning or even collecting stuffed animals, but Meagan wasn't one of them. She was perplexed by this gift, but thanked him anyway. After all, it's the thought that counts, right? We aren't ungrateful daughters. Plus, I'm sure he got a really good deal on it, and that always mattered.

The saying "one man's trash is another man's treasure" was probably first uttered with my dad in mind. One of his favorite pastimes has always been taking walks, particularly ones near railroad tracks. He has always been amazed at the really good free stuff you could find on the train tracks. Once he found a T-shirt on the tracks that had a picture of cartoon ducks playing in a rock-and-roll band and read "Sex, Ducks, and Rock-And-Roll". He couldn't get over what great condition the shirt was in. All it needed was to be washed, and someone had the audacity to just throw it away! It fit my older sister Melissa, who must have been around 16 at the time, and he judged it an appropriate gift for his adolescent daughter. Melissa actually liked the shirt and wore it often.

To be clear, my dad wasn't just cheap when it came to other people. He hated spending money, and was always as thrifty possible. Rarely, if ever, do I recall him buying new clothes for himself or eating at restaurants that weren't fast food or cheap truck stop buffets. He was even kicked out of a buffet for only paying once, yet sticking around all day reading the paper and making multiple trips to get more food. He was just trying to "get his money's worth", he says.

My father always took great pride in his thrifty ways. He explained to me once that instead of buying a $.79 ready-made gas station hot dog, he would buy a package of ten hot dogs for $1.29, then "cook" the cold hot dogs using heat from his truck engine. He also liked purchasing one jumbo-size soda at the movie theater, (one that comes in a plastic cup that is free to refill), then saving it so he can sneak it in on multiple trips to the theater for endless free refills. He told me once that he's probably saved himself hundreds of dollars by being a small-time criminal in this way. He recalled to me in vivid detail the sad day when his plastic cup was smashed and shattered under the pressure of his car's seat. He was forced to fork out $5.50 again for another overpriced movie soda, and was going to take better care of this new cup so he can sneak free sodas with it for as long as possible.

My dad is thrifty to a fault, but he has gotten a lot better over the years. These days he enjoys an expensive restaurant meal on occasion, and prefers to give out cash or gift cards when he's not sure what someone would like for Christmas. There are some good lessons I've learned from my father. It's because of him that I purchase most of my clothes at consignment shops, buy the store brand when I go grocery shopping, and tuck a portion of each paycheck aside for savings. Alternatively, I've tried to show him that life is too short to cook a hot dog on a truck engine just to save a buck.

Tomorrow may be mother's day, but today I'm thinking about my father. Despite all of his eccentricities and shortcomings, I never once doubted that he loved me. I will always love and appreciate my thrifty, nifty dad.

Happiness Comes From Within

“When I was five years old, my mother always told me that happiness was the key to life.  When I went to school, they asked me what I wanted to be when I grew up, I wrote down ‘happy’.  They told me I didn’t understand the assignment; I told them they didn’t understand life.”

-John Lennon

It doesn’t matter whether you’re five or ninety-five, male or female, introvert or extrovert, American or Saudi Arabian, we all want the same basic thing in life: happiness.  I used to think that if only certain things in my life would happen, then I would be happy.  I thought happiness was something that I could achieve through external means.  Once I got my dream job, the body I want, more money, the perfect boyfriend, people who admired and looked up to me—once I had attained all of these prerequisites—then and only then could I be truly happy.

I’ve only recently adopted the belief that happiness is not dependent upon circumstances, but rather is a state of mind.  I’ve struggled with this concept because when I do something I enjoy, accomplish a goal, or spend quality time with someone I love, I feel happy.  These things make me happy…or so I thought.  Well, therein lies the difference between pleasure and happiness.  Pleasure is fleeting, shallow gratification which is experienced only through external means.  However, happiness is something you can attain through meditation and the power of positive thinking.  With practice and the right attitude, I’ve learned that anyone can achieve happiness regardless of your current life situation.  The bonus is that when you are truly happy and optimistic, your positive attitude is contagious, and others will enjoy being around you.

It’s important (and probably obvious) to note that happy people are not happy all the time.  Everyone experiences sadness and grief sometimes.  In addition, it’s not always easy to just “be happy” when life’s dealt you unfortunate circumstances and events.  Choosing to be happy and maintain optimism during life’s struggles can be incredibly challenging, and at times may seem nearly impossible.  So this begs the question, why are some people more fulfilled, optimistic, and in general, more happy than others?  Do they just have all the luck in life? 

I’ve chosen to believe (and my personal experience with positive thinking has vindicated my belief), that optimism is the key to happiness.  But there has to be more to it than that, right?  I decided to look up and see what research in the area shows:

“Studies on what makes people happy reveal that it doesn’t have much to do with material goods or high achievement; it seems to whittle down to your outlook on life, and the quality of your relationships with the people around you” (Herrick, J., et al.).

It comforts me to know that I have the power within me to attain happiness, and that enriching relationships with loved ones who offer me courage and support definitely attribute to my emotional wellbeing. 

To me, this is all such exciting news.  Of course, I still have plenty of goals for the future.  My road to self-discovery has not ended, and I hope to continue improving myself as a person until the day I die.  But it’s great to know that I have the key to happiness, and I can experience it right here, right now, just where I’m at in life.  I hold the power to true happiness within me; I just have to recognize that and enjoy it.